Lone Ranger

Lone Ranger
I'm rarely bored alone; I'm often bored in groups and crowds. :)

Tuesday 29 March 2016

Sense of Alienation

Hey! Peeps! It has been a long time since I type in any entry. I'm currently very busy that I even forget the existence of this blog. Haha, I'm one such forgetful senile lassie.

Looking back at those old days, I realized that I actually went through a lot with different people in my life and most of the people I went through things that I considered the best would go away. Ahem, when I said, "go away", it doesn't mean that they passed away. They left my life. For example, I have this one friend who I used to be close with when I was younger but since after we went to different high school, we seldom talked. We stopped texting each other as we have no topic to talk about. Even if I wanted to ask her out, I would feel awkward to do so cause we are not that close any more, It's like she has completely gone from my life. Sometimes, I wonder whether it is my fault that I lost her. Is it me that I didn't actually take the initiative to keep in touch with her and maintain this long distance friendship? Is it me?

It's sad to know that a lot of people that I used to be close with have left me. Gone. Completely gone away from my life. We acted like we are strangers. How does this happened? I don't know. It just happened naturally and ... Arghhh! I couldn't find the right word to describe it! Screw my English! ><

Sometimes, I really envy those girls in my school that have whole lots of friends. It's like they know almost everyone. For sure, they won't have to go through their problems alone as they have so much close friends to share their problem and feelings with. I hate to admit this but my circle of friends is very small. I only have 4 to 5 close friends.

I might look outgoing and socialized at times but the truth is I'm actually all alone. All alone facing all my problems and stuff. I only have a few good friends to share my problems with. I always try my best to make as much friends as possible  but seems like I'm unlikable. I always have this feelings that everyone hates me, hate the way I am. Sometimes, I would cry alone in the shower thinking about this,

My self esteem started to drop. Once in a while, I will have nightmares dreaming that everyone I knew started to show their hates towards me. I feel trapped. I'm trapped in a world of alienation. I stop trusting everyone around me.

Why? Cause I always have the feelings that they will leave me. It doesn't matter whether it's a best friend you have know for years, the buddy that helped you a lot throughout that survival camp or a kid that said he or she like you so much. Things will change. From a best friend to just a "Hi! Bye!" friend, From a camp buddy to a total stranger. From a kid who likes you a lot to an adult who doesn't remember a single shit about you. Thus, I always remind myself that no matter how close I am to my friends, they are just close friends, not best friends. There goes the saying, less expectations, fewer disappointments.

We tend to forget our past as we are too busy looking forward to what's happening in the future and present that we don't have time to look back at those bitter sweet memories that we have had.

I hate that feelings that for a moment I feel so important to someone and after a moment, I'm nothing more in their life. I don't see myself in their futures. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an extra person who held no function at all. I never impacted anyone's life before. I'm not important. I'm just here to fill in the populations of the world. I really hate this.

In school, teachers define me as an excellent student who always pass with flying colours and when my grades deteriorated, they started to think that I have become a problematic student. As for my friends, they thought I do nothing else other than studying. Basically, they think that I'm just a studying machine.  Sometimes, I really wanna shout right into their face and say, "I DO HAVE A LIFE! JUST THAT YOU GUYS NEVER KNEW BECAUSE YOU GUYS NEVER CARED TO FIND OUT!". My family? I always try my best to make them proud and please them by scoring well in exam and of course they are pleased with it. I'm like a goody two shoes from everyone's point of view. BUT, the truth is I'm not. I need people to care about me. Ask me what's wrong even though I'm appearing good.

I really envy those people who show their weakness to their friends and their friends accept it unconditionally. If I was to be crying, people will only think that I'm just overeacting and sensitive. For them, crying is only for the weak. That's why I always only cry in the shower or in my bed, so no one knows.

They thought I was strong but I wasn't. I'm flawed and easily forgotten. That's why I never see myself in their futures. I will be left behind from their pathway of life while they move on. That time, I will play no more role in their life any more... I stop feeling connected to everyone around me. I'm stuck in my own built up world of alienation...