Lone Ranger

Lone Ranger
I'm rarely bored alone; I'm often bored in groups and crowds. :)

Thursday, 12 May 2016

Light of Deception

I had a dream lately. I was in a tunnel alone. It was dark. I did not know how did I get there.  I wanted to turn back to the exit but there wasn't any way out. It was just a blank concrete wall behind me. I'm stuck. I saw light coming from the other end of the tunnel. I was so happy. I knew if I continue walking, I will eventually reach the other end of the tunnel and be freed. I walked and walked.

I walked and walked. I did not know how many minutes I have walked but I was tired and exhausted. I wanted to give up but refused to do so because I knew I'm reaching the other end of the tunnel soon. The light seemed near. I continued to walk.

I walked and walked. I did not know how many hours I have walked. There wasn't any clock there and the light from the other end of the tunnel was the only thing I could see. I did not know whether it's daytime or night.

I continued to walk. I knew I'm reaching the other end of the tunnel soon. The light was there. I could see the light. I knew I'm getting nearer and nearer to the other end of the tunnel. I needed to continue to walk. 

I did not know how many days have passed. Perhaps, months or years... Nothing changed, I was still walking in this endless tunnel finding my way out by following the direction of the light. Then, only I realized. My hair had grew longer, my fingers were longer than usual. Wait, did I grew bigger? Cause I felt tight in my clothing.

I felt like I have been walking in the tunnel for years. Or, was it true that I had actually walked the tunnel for years? I did not know and will never knew.

At last, I stopped walking and looked at the beautiful white light which I once thought was the light of the guardian which was going to lead me to the exit of the dark scary tunnel. Alas, I was wrong. I had been deceived. 

Deceived by the great white light which seemed so near and yet so far. Unreachable. I was walking mindlessly in the endless tunnel for years before I realized the white light was just my illusion. A false hope. I had been walking for nothing. I would never reached the other end of the tunnel no matter how many miles or years I have walked.

Deceiving white light
Full of white lies
And empty promises
Without any questions
You walked and walked
Hoping to find the hope
You have left behind

Illusion it was
You realized, alas.
Turning back there wasn't
In the endless tunnel
You are trapped
Fooled by the light of deception.


Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Sense of Alienation

Hey! Peeps! It has been a long time since I type in any entry. I'm currently very busy that I even forget the existence of this blog. Haha, I'm one such forgetful senile lassie.

Looking back at those old days, I realized that I actually went through a lot with different people in my life and most of the people I went through things that I considered the best would go away. Ahem, when I said, "go away", it doesn't mean that they passed away. They left my life. For example, I have this one friend who I used to be close with when I was younger but since after we went to different high school, we seldom talked. We stopped texting each other as we have no topic to talk about. Even if I wanted to ask her out, I would feel awkward to do so cause we are not that close any more, It's like she has completely gone from my life. Sometimes, I wonder whether it is my fault that I lost her. Is it me that I didn't actually take the initiative to keep in touch with her and maintain this long distance friendship? Is it me?

It's sad to know that a lot of people that I used to be close with have left me. Gone. Completely gone away from my life. We acted like we are strangers. How does this happened? I don't know. It just happened naturally and ... Arghhh! I couldn't find the right word to describe it! Screw my English! ><

Sometimes, I really envy those girls in my school that have whole lots of friends. It's like they know almost everyone. For sure, they won't have to go through their problems alone as they have so much close friends to share their problem and feelings with. I hate to admit this but my circle of friends is very small. I only have 4 to 5 close friends.

I might look outgoing and socialized at times but the truth is I'm actually all alone. All alone facing all my problems and stuff. I only have a few good friends to share my problems with. I always try my best to make as much friends as possible  but seems like I'm unlikable. I always have this feelings that everyone hates me, hate the way I am. Sometimes, I would cry alone in the shower thinking about this,

My self esteem started to drop. Once in a while, I will have nightmares dreaming that everyone I knew started to show their hates towards me. I feel trapped. I'm trapped in a world of alienation. I stop trusting everyone around me.

Why? Cause I always have the feelings that they will leave me. It doesn't matter whether it's a best friend you have know for years, the buddy that helped you a lot throughout that survival camp or a kid that said he or she like you so much. Things will change. From a best friend to just a "Hi! Bye!" friend, From a camp buddy to a total stranger. From a kid who likes you a lot to an adult who doesn't remember a single shit about you. Thus, I always remind myself that no matter how close I am to my friends, they are just close friends, not best friends. There goes the saying, less expectations, fewer disappointments.

We tend to forget our past as we are too busy looking forward to what's happening in the future and present that we don't have time to look back at those bitter sweet memories that we have had.

I hate that feelings that for a moment I feel so important to someone and after a moment, I'm nothing more in their life. I don't see myself in their futures. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an extra person who held no function at all. I never impacted anyone's life before. I'm not important. I'm just here to fill in the populations of the world. I really hate this.

In school, teachers define me as an excellent student who always pass with flying colours and when my grades deteriorated, they started to think that I have become a problematic student. As for my friends, they thought I do nothing else other than studying. Basically, they think that I'm just a studying machine.  Sometimes, I really wanna shout right into their face and say, "I DO HAVE A LIFE! JUST THAT YOU GUYS NEVER KNEW BECAUSE YOU GUYS NEVER CARED TO FIND OUT!". My family? I always try my best to make them proud and please them by scoring well in exam and of course they are pleased with it. I'm like a goody two shoes from everyone's point of view. BUT, the truth is I'm not. I need people to care about me. Ask me what's wrong even though I'm appearing good.

I really envy those people who show their weakness to their friends and their friends accept it unconditionally. If I was to be crying, people will only think that I'm just overeacting and sensitive. For them, crying is only for the weak. That's why I always only cry in the shower or in my bed, so no one knows.

They thought I was strong but I wasn't. I'm flawed and easily forgotten. That's why I never see myself in their futures. I will be left behind from their pathway of life while they move on. That time, I will play no more role in their life any more... I stop feeling connected to everyone around me. I'm stuck in my own built up world of alienation...


Friday, 22 January 2016

Set Fire to The Rain



I'm just too lazy to spit out my feeling through typing, so I shall let this song, "Set Fire to The Rain" by Adele to do the job. My whole life in a while is described fully in this song. :)

I used to wonder why there are more love songs than song from other genres last time but after going through all those heartbreaks and hardship, now I understand. It's because love is a basic feeling which every human being in this world will experience. It could make you happy and hurt in the same time. We might feel happy only for a while but once hurt, it would be forever. The scar will stay. You couldn't keep it to yourself. You need someone out there to listen to you. That's why most of the people especially singers tend to write love songs and sing them to the world.

I wouldn't give a shit about what's the meaning behind all those songs before this. If I love it, I will listen to it and hum the music all day long without knowing what's the actual meaning of those songs. Literally, I enjoyed the music more than enjoying and understanding the lyrics. However, as time passed, I have changed. I tend to search for the meaning of lyrics on Google once I heard a song that I really like, most probably love songs nowadays.

I found a quote which describe my current situation so much. Here you go :) :


Friday, 1 January 2016

You (The Night of New Year Countdown)

Maybe it's a wrong decision to go for a new year countdown which was held at a place where... where... where both of you used to hang out. Yea, both of you... You and him...

You just wanted to have some fun in the last few hours in the year of 2015 but you never thought that those memories would come flooding back to your mind. That time, you already  knew that the year 2016 won't be another exciting year for you any more like any other of your past years. 2016 will only be a year full of bitter sweet (mostly bitter) memories from 2015.

The place was indeed very congested since everyone gathered there to celebrate the last few hours of 2015 with their loved ones(mostly couples) and looked joyful but you felt the other way around. You don't feel anything but extreme despair and sadness. You felt alone even though you are in a crowded place where thousands of people had gathered.

You saw the place where both of you had kissed. Deep inside, you had die a little. Your friends weren't with you. Maybe you would feel better with them around... Or maybe not..,, you thought. You watched the sky as hundreds of balloons were let go to the atmosphere. Let those balloons take away those negativity from 2015 to the sky and bring new hope to the year of 2016, they said.

You watched as colourful fireworks were shoot upon the sky to welcome the arrival of the year 2016 as well as to symbolize joy and happiness. Nevertheless, you didn't feel joyous or contented. You felt lonely and sad, Those were the only things you felt.

As you were walking home after the countdown, you saw a lot of couples were walking pass you. Each of the pair looked lovey dovey. One of them even kissed his girlfriend on the forehead like what he had done to you before. You started to broke down but you knew you had to hold your tears. You can't cry in the public. You needed to hold it. Sooner, you saw another couple passing by and the man hugged his girlfriend so lovingly. Your eyes started to water. Tears rolled down on your cheek. You could feel a stabbing pain in your heart, too. Your hands started to shake in your hoodie pocket.

You thought you were jealous or envied but you were not. Just that they reminded you of him.
It has been more than 3 months since the break up. Why couldn't you just let go of this relationship? Why? That moment when you thought you had get over him but when those memories came flashing back, you still couldn't resist the feeling you had for him. Why?! Why are you so stupid?! People say that time will heal, but you know it won't. You are not sure whether it's your patience running out or what, but times doesn't done much healing either.

You are suffocating deep inside. You are drowning slowly. Even when you are typing this, your eyes started to water! WHY?! WHY YOU ARE SO STUPID AND DUMB?! WHY?! LET GO! STOP BEING A SILLY IDIOTIC DUMB ASS! YOU ARE WORTHLESS! THAT'S WHY HE LEAVE YOU! WHY...? Why...? Do you really want to live your whole life holding on this old relationship and thinking he's the one? You have tried so hard to forget about him but you just can't. Those memories and most important of all... It's him...  You couldn't forget... just so easily.

You wiped your tears with your sleeve but another tear came rolling down... You have to be strong. You are all alone... You are the only one you yourself can rely on. There is no one out there will even care for you. You are all alone...

You (Forgotten Dream)

You dreamt of him again in the night of new year eve. In the dream, he was chatting happily with another girl in a canteen. You looked at him far away from the other side. They seems close to each other, you thought. Again , your heart was broken.

These few days, you seems to always dream about him and you always end up hurting yourself even more in each dream. You feel pain mentally and emotionally. Is it even your fault from the very beginning that you couldn't let go? You wonder.

After you woke up, you forgot most part of the dream. The dream seems to fade away from your memory. You are not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that you forgot. As far as you remember, you never had forgotten any dreams. Maybe it's a good thing, though that you don't remember. Maybe your brain knows what is the best for you more than your heart, thus it erase the memory of the dream from your mind... For your own goodness sake.

Sunday, 13 December 2015

You... (It's Just A Dream)

You dreamt about him again... The very last time you had a dream about him is the day after the break up. You dreamt that he was sitting at the end of your bed and playing with your long flowing mane. He fondled you like he used to when both of you were still together. You could feel his gentle touch in a loving way even though it was just a dream. Yea... Even though, it was just a dream...

Even so, you felt contented. You felt happy even if it was just a dream. You felt so blessed & joyful in the dream that you didn't want the dream to end. You wanted to sleep forever, so the dream would continue. You wanted to live in the dream for the entire of your life so much that you didn't want to wake up. Alas, the sad truth is every story has an ending, so does dream. You woke up and realized it was just a dream. You thought it was real. You tried to sleep again with the hope that the exact same would continue but it never happened. You had a different dream instead.

A few days ago, you dreamt about him again. This time, the dream was a contrast to the first dream you have had last time. In the dream, you and him were in a wedding shop. You were begging him to stay. You wanted to fix this relationship. You wanted everything to be back like last time. Why? Because you still love him...

When you thought there's still hope in both of you, he told you something that would break your heart into million of pieces. He told you he was engaged. You asked, "Who is she? Do you love her?". He never answered. He stood there in an emotionless state. You waited for his answers patiently. "It was an arranged married," at last he spoke after a long pause. "So you don't love her. You still love me, do you? Please tell the truth..." you looked at him into his eyes and hoping him to say yes. "I'm happy now...," he paused. "No. You are not," you said, "I am" he said while taking out a stack of letters. "Look at these letters. These are the letters we wrote for each other. They are love letters. These are the proof that we love each other even though it's an arranged marriage." he said.

You still chose to not to believe what he had said. "No, you don't love her. You are lying!" You eyes started to water. "I'm married. Just accept the fact that I'm married. I love her," he took a frame from the rack. He showed it to you. It was a photo of him and his wife. It was a wedding photo. They looked happy and joyful, you admitted it. You thought his wife would be his crush but it wasn't. It was someone else. Someone who is much more beautiful than you and his crush. She looked pretty, you thought. She looked so angelic in the photo. Maybe that's the reason he love her even though it was an arranged marriage.

Tears rolled down on your cheek. You couldn't take it any more. You felt like your world has crushed. Your hope to be with him again was crushed. You waited for years to be with him again but everything was ruined. He was married and he is happy. You turned away from him and ran away. You ran to the nearest stairs and started running down with the hope you would miss a step and fall down and die. You started to cry uncontrollably and breathing hard. Then, everything went black. You thought you had died. You thought you had fall from the stair.

Then, you woke up. You were still breathing very hard when you woke up. You touched your face to check if there were tears. No, there wasn't any tear. Good. Your hand landed on your chest. You could feel your heartbeat. Your heart was beating very fast. In a fast tempo...

You started to worry. Your dream, it looked vivid and real... What if it really happens? You don't want it to happen. You don't want it to happen in reality so badly. You knew you couldn't bear it if it really happens. For now, you could do nothing but to hope it (the dream) will never happened. You have to calm yourself, thus you kept telling yourself, "It's just a dream... Just a bad dream..."

Monday, 7 December 2015

You...

You see him standing there chatting happily with his friends. It's just another typical day of you life but why out of the blue, the feeling of grieve comes back? Why? Didn't you have forgotten about him? Forgotten about him completely? You told yourself to let go but little do you realize that you actually haven't let go at all?

Yes, you cried for days and nights since the day he broke up with you, so what? Does it really matter? He doesn't even care about you any more. You are nothing in his eyes any more but just a piece of banner by the roadside which he doesn't even bother to see. You are nothing but nothing. He doesn't love you any more but why couldn't you do the same thing as he does? Why?

Your friends kept saying thing like, "He's stupid for letting you go. He doesn't deserve you. You can find a better person." and "It's not your fault. People like him should just exit your life". Your friends kept insisting you to hate him but instead you chose to forgive. You give yourself hopes by thinking one day, both of you could get back together but you know the chance is low.

A few weeks had passed, your feeling of sorrow started to fade away but you still miss him deep inside. Every single thing you saw or every single place you went could remind you of him. You kept telling yourself to let go but your heart doesn't want to listen to your brain. As days passed, you started to get numb by your feelings. You imagined he's still by your side and adoring you like his baby girl. You still cry alone in the shower. You still acting like you are actually hugging him when you are in your bed, Alas, when you meet him face to face, you need to act like you have forgotten about him and treat him like any other of your friends because only a few know both of you WERE couple before.

The first few days after the break, you started scrolling back the both of you text messages and pictures. Even  if both of you won't see each other again, at least you still have those things as memories, you thought. But the more you read and recalled the memories both of you have had together, the more you couldn't let go, so you stopped looking at those text messages he had sent you and all the pictures both of you have took. They cause you nothing but pain.

You feel hurt. Is it you the problem? Is it a mistake that you confess to him at the very first place? Is it you that you are not perfect enough? Is it you?

Last time, when both of you were still together, he would travel far away from his place just to meet you and he could tell you sweet stuff like, "I miss you." or "I love you." and treat you like his princess. But now everything had changed. Nowadays, if you ask him out, he would you give all kind of excuses. You started to feel whether you still worth it any more. Your self extreme started to decrease. You doesn't miss all the thing he did for you, but you miss him. You just miss him for who he is. You started to miss the time that he's still in love with you.

Sometimes, you wondered, whether he's still at least have some feelings for you or at least miss you even for once. Millions of questions started to pop out in your mind but it seems like those questions are rhetorical questions.

He seems happy, though. He doesn't seems like he's sad to lose you, so why are you expecting so much from him? You started to feel like an idiot that you think he will like you back. "You are a total idiot,"you told yourself.

No matter how hard you tried, you just couldn't forget. It's just you and you will always be you. It's you...

It's Been A Long Time Since When We Begin...

Nope, Nope. Nope. I'm not going to sing 'See You Again' by Wiz Khalifa or whatsoever. I just wanna say that it's been a long time since I start writing  Jack Frost & Elsa fan fiction a.k.a. Missing Winter & I started to lack of inspiration somehow. I don't know how to continue the story any more or should I just say that I'm freaking out that I couldn't write a good fairy tale about these both characters, thus I'm giving up writing. When I said I give up writing, I didn't mean that I will stop writing about this fan fiction, it only mean that I will continue the story whenever I'm in good mood or I have a whole storyline plotted in my mind & for that you might need to wait for a very very very long time before I have one well-plotted storyline in my rotten overworked brain. xp

That's all for now. Bye, peepo! :D

Jack Frost and Elsa: Missing Winter (Chapter 4)

They landed on the ground of green at last after hours of moments without any gravity. Elsa quickly let go of Jack's hand. Both of them were still feeling awkward once they had landed the ground because of what happened just now. Nonetheless, Elsa tried her best and acted like usual because she didn't wan to lose a friend, a good friend.

When they were flying in the sky just now, Elsa suddenly felt the urge to tell him. She didn't want to lie to herself any more. She couldn't hide her feeling. She wanted him to know her feeling for him. She gathered her gut and...

Elsa: Jack...
Jack Frost: Don't worry. You won't fall. Especially with me around.
Elsa: No. It's not that I'm worry about. I'm just...
Jack Frost: What happened?
Elsa: Ermmm... I...
Jack Frost: What's wrong?
Elsa: I like you *whisper*
Jack Frost: Huh? I can't hear you.
Elsa: I like you.
Jack Frost: What? Say it again.
Elsa: I... I LIKE YOU!

Jack Frost turned to Elsa and looked at her in disbelief.

Elsa: Hey, look in front!
Jack Frost: What did you say just now?
Elsa: Oh no! Please look in front!
Jack Frost: No. Tell me again what did you say just now?
Elsa: We are going to bang into a big candy cotton!
Jack Frost:Uh oh!
Jack Frost & Elsa: AHHHHHHHH!

Friday, 30 October 2015

What I Have Learnt From Drama Team

Did I tell that I'm one of the drama team members before? Did I? Haha. I'm sorry if I didn't tell you guys in any of my post before. It's okay, now you know. xp What can i said is joining drama team is nothing but fun. In the meantime, you get to learn a lot of things, too. Below are a few things I have learnt from drama team:

1. Have Fun!!!
Being an actress in a drama team doesn't mean you have to memorise your script all the time or every freaking time. You can always have fun by mixing around props people to make the props and other actresses or actors. You can always play with the role you are playing by adjusting the personality and reanalysis the character you are acting as. People change, so do the characters in the story. Be flexible. Do not have the mindset that "It MUST be like this". Personality of the characters in the story can always be changed from time to time depending on their mood or the story adaption.

2. Enjoy your role~
No matter what role you get, just enjoy it and always try your best to act it out even if you are just holding a minor character in the story. Indulge yourself in the character. It doesn't matter whether you only have a few lines or gonna die on the first scene. You gotta enjoy it. This is what make you a good actress or actor. You have to remember that every character in the story play an important role as the story climaxed or move on. Every scene lead to another scene or produce a new character. Let's take the movie Cinderella as an example. If Cinderella's mother did not die, her father won't be marrying a cruel widow as her stepmother and this stepmother won't exist in the movie, thus no one would stop Cinderella from going to the ball and fairy godmother won't appear to help her, thus no protagonist is produced. Do you get what I mean? It doesn't always have to be all about 'you'. You do not need to get the main role in the story to prove yourself. It can always be you who play the role. :D

3. Get to know more spooky stories
Do you know that the scariest part of the stage is backstage? If you study in a school that exist since Japanese Occupation, you will know that the stage is a place where most of the secret basements can be found. Who know why the basements were made there and what happened there before? In a nutshell, that's what make the backstage a spooky place and definitely a nice place to tell any spooky tales. We (drama team members) would always gathered at the backstage and sit in a circle while sharing any horror stories. See, you get to listen horror stories and experience the spooky feeling at the right place in the same time.

4. The stage is like our second bed
The stage is like our second bed.
We get to sleep on the stage.
Eat on the stage.
Roll on the stage.
Slide on the stage.
Shit on the stage. (Nah, I'm just joking about this one) xp
Pose on the stage.
Like nobody business
At all.
Why?
Because the stage belong to us
And we belong to the stage.
It's like our territory.
But if some other stars are coming for it,
We gonna back off.

5. Widen your circle of friends
Okay, so there are a few first, second and third formers who joined drama team this year and at first, we don't talk much to each other and we are like complete strangers or some kind like "Hi, Bye" friend to each other because we just have nothing to talk about. I mean what would a fourth former like me talk to the other formers? Nothing at all. But as days passed, we started to become closer and closer. We could talk about the most random thing from A to Z and of course there are always some juicy gossips could be heard as we gathered in a circle and chat when we are not practising for drama. And of course lesbian stories and ghost stories are the juiciest things to talk about. Take me as an example. I never talk to these these two juniors because I have nothing to talk as we are from different forms. But, "POOF!" after a few days, we started to talk all about anime and all those stuffs and started to molest each other like we have known each other for years. Haha, Funny, right? This is what I thought of when I flashed back.

6. You will always know when is the time to get serious
We are very playful during practices. Usually, we don't really do our best when we are practising because we knew that if we kept doing our best in each practise, at one point, we will become fed up easily as we need to repeat the same freaking lines again and again. But, when it comes to deal with the real shit, you are so gonna amused with us and shat your pants. xp

Tomorrow is our third time and also the last time performing for this year in occasion of 'The Sound of The Night' and Halloween night. We have performed two times and won first runner up in Inter- School English Drama Competition and second runner up in District Level English Drama Competition respectively. I'm going to miss all the fun and memories we have created together in drama team so much... *sobs*

"Ahem, ahem. There's still next year, Sun Ru." 
Oh, ya hor. Hehe. Oops, too much sentimentality here! Sorry...We are going to reunite next year anyway, so ya!

Inter- School English Drama Competition 2015

4th former Gang chilling after ISEDC2015

2 juniors who I became closed with through drama team :D #Dressrehearsal

Yay, Trophies! #DistrictLevelEnglishDramaCompetition2015

Drama Practice for 'The Sound of The Night'. #30thOctober2015

We are just a bunch of girls who love acting and drama! We are nothing more but Drama Queens. Yes! That's what we are! We are SGGS Drama Queens! We're Rocksss! SGGS Drama Team ROCKSSS!!! XD

Jack Frost and Elsa: Missing Winter (Chapter 3)

*Knock, knock*

Elsa: *Yawn* Who would it be?

She went to open the door.

Jack Frost: Hey!
Elsa: *stunned* Hey...
Jack Frost: You know what? I was about to confess to her yesterday and...
Elsa: And you did and she accepted...
Jack Frost: Ermmm, sadly, nope. *put his stick against the wall and sat on the table*
Elsa: Why? *surprised* Is it because...
Jack Frost: Actually I chickened out. I didn't confess at all. I couldn't when I look at her. I knew I will get rejected. *covered his face with his hands*
Elsa: *patted him on the shoulder* I thought it's because you didn't bathe when you met her and she hated the stink on you.
Jack Frost: *smiled* Your joke. It doesn't help, Elsa...
Elsa: Well, that's the only joke I could think of.
Jack Frost: Thanks, anyway. By the way, did I smell that bad? *Smelled himself*
Elsa: All I know is that you should get a hot bubble bath for that. *Laughed*
Jack Frost: But before that, let's have some fun!

He grabbed Elsa's hand and pulled her along to the window nearby.

Elsa; Wait! What are you doing? I can't fly.
Jack Frost: But I can!
Elsa: No, you don't know! I...
Jack Frost: Here we go!

Within a second, off they flew to the sky. Elsa struggled at first but when her feet stopped hitting the ground, she was so scared that she leaned against Jack. Awww, how sweet~ <3 <3 <3

Jack Frost: C'mon! Open your eyes! You should see this.
Elsa: No!
Jack Frost: Trust me. You will never regret doing this. Open your eyes.

Elsa slowly open her eyes and was amazed to see such a beautiful scenery from up above. It's totally a bird-eye view of the whole village!

Elsa: Oh my God! This is spectacular!
Jack Frost: Told, ya! Hold me tighter! I'm gonna speed up! Woo hoo!


I never thought that I could find this picture in Google Search. This picture is exactly just like what I have imagined. I swear I never see this picture until I searched it in Google after I finished typing the story for chapter 3. Wow! This is amazing!

Disclaimer: I do not own this picture. Credit goes to Google Search :)