Light of Deception

I had a dream lately. I was in a tunnel alone. It was dark. I did not know how did I get there.  I wanted to turn back to the exit but there wasn't any way out. It was just a blank concrete wall behind me. I'm stuck. I saw light coming from the other end of the tunnel. I was so happy. I knew if I continue walking, I will eventually reach the other end of the tunnel and be freed. I walked and walked.

I walked and walked. I did not know how many minutes I have walked but I was tired and exhausted. I wanted to give up but refused to do so because I knew I'm reaching the other end of the tunnel soon. The light seemed near. I continued to walk.

I walked and walked. I did not know how many hours I have walked. There wasn't any clock there and the light from the other end of the tunnel was the only thing I could see. I did not know whether it's daytime or night.

I continued to walk. I knew I'm reaching the other end of the tunnel soon. The light was there. I could see the light. I knew I'm getting nearer and nearer to the other end of the tunnel. I needed to continue to walk. 

I did not know how many days have passed. Perhaps, months or years... Nothing changed, I was still walking in this endless tunnel finding my way out by following the direction of the light. Then, only I realized. My hair had grew longer, my fingers were longer than usual. Wait, did I grew bigger? Cause I felt tight in my clothing.

I felt like I have been walking in the tunnel for years. Or, was it true that I had actually walked the tunnel for years? I did not know and will never knew.

At last, I stopped walking and looked at the beautiful white light which I once thought was the light of the guardian which was going to lead me to the exit of the dark scary tunnel. Alas, I was wrong. I had been deceived. 

Deceived by the great white light which seemed so near and yet so far. Unreachable. I was walking mindlessly in the endless tunnel for years before I realized the white light was just my illusion. A false hope. I had been walking for nothing. I would never reached the other end of the tunnel no matter how many miles or years I have walked.

Deceiving white light

Full of white lies

And empty promises

Without any questions

You walked and walked

Hoping to find the hope

You have left behind

Illusion it was

You realized, alas.

Turning back there wasn't

In the endless tunnel

You are trapped

Fooled by the light of deception.

Sense of Alienation

Hey! Peeps! It has been a long time since I type in any entry. I'm currently very busy that I even forget the existence of this blog. Haha, I'm one such forgetful senile lassie.

Looking back at those old days, I realized that I actually went through a lot with different people in my life and most of the people I went through things that I considered the best would go away. Ahem, when I said, "go away", it doesn't mean that they passed away. They left my life. For example, I have this one friend who I used to be close with when I was younger but since after we went to different high school, we seldom talked. We stopped texting each other as we have no topic to talk about. Even if I wanted to ask her out, I would feel awkward to do so cause we are not that close any more, It's like she has completely gone from my life. Sometimes, I wonder whether it is my fault that I lost her. Is it me that I didn't actually take the initiative to keep in touch with her and maintain this long distance friendship? Is it me?

It's sad to know that a lot of people that I used to be close with have left me. Gone. Completely gone away from my life. We acted like we are strangers. How does this happened? I don't know. It just happened naturally and ... Arghhh! I couldn't find the right word to describe it! Screw my English! ><

Sometimes, I really envy those girls in my school that have whole lots of friends. It's like they know almost everyone. For sure, they won't have to go through their problems alone as they have so much close friends to share their problem and feelings with. I hate to admit this but my circle of friends is very small. I only have 4 to 5 close friends.

I might look outgoing and socialized at times but the truth is I'm actually all alone. All alone facing all my problems and stuff. I only have a few good friends to share my problems with. I always try my best to make as much friends as possible  but seems like I'm unlikable. I always have this feelings that everyone hates me, hate the way I am. Sometimes, I would cry alone in the shower thinking about this,

My self esteem started to drop. Once in a while, I will have nightmares dreaming that everyone I knew started to show their hates towards me. I feel trapped. I'm trapped in a world of alienation. I stop trusting everyone around me.

Why? Cause I always have the feelings that they will leave me. It doesn't matter whether it's a best friend you have know for years, the buddy that helped you a lot throughout that survival camp or a kid that said he or she like you so much. Things will change. From a best friend to just a "Hi! Bye!" friend, From a camp buddy to a total stranger. From a kid who likes you a lot to an adult who doesn't remember a single shit about you. Thus, I always remind myself that no matter how close I am to my friends, they are just close friends, not best friends. There goes the saying, less expectations, fewer disappointments.

We tend to forget our past as we are too busy looking forward to what's happening in the future and present that we don't have time to look back at those bitter sweet memories that we have had.

I hate that feelings that for a moment I feel so important to someone and after a moment, I'm nothing more in their life. I don't see myself in their futures. Sometimes, I feel like I'm just an extra person who held no function at all. I never impacted anyone's life before. I'm not important. I'm just here to fill in the populations of the world. I really hate this.

In school, teachers define me as an excellent student who always pass with flying colours and when my grades deteriorated, they started to think that I have become a problematic student. As for my friends, they thought I do nothing else other than studying. Basically, they think that I'm just a studying machine.  Sometimes, I really wanna shout right into their face and say, "I DO HAVE A LIFE! JUST THAT YOU GUYS NEVER KNEW BECAUSE YOU GUYS NEVER CARED TO FIND OUT!". My family? I always try my best to make them proud and please them by scoring well in exam and of course they are pleased with it. I'm like a goody two shoes from everyone's point of view. BUT, the truth is I'm not. I need people to care about me. Ask me what's wrong even though I'm appearing good.

I really envy those people who show their weakness to their friends and their friends accept it unconditionally. If I was to be crying, people will only think that I'm just overeacting and sensitive. For them, crying is only for the weak. That's why I always only cry in the shower or in my bed, so no one knows.

They thought I was strong but I wasn't. I'm flawed and easily forgotten. That's why I never see myself in their futures. I will be left behind from their pathway of life while they move on. That time, I will play no more role in their life any more... I stop feeling connected to everyone around me. I'm stuck in my own built up world of alienation...

Set Fire to The Rain

I'm just too lazy to spit out my feeling through typing, so I shall let this song, "Set Fire to The Rain" by Adele to do the job. My whole life in a while is described fully in this song. :)

I used to wonder why there are more love songs than song from other genres last time but after going through all those heartbreaks and hardship, now I understand. It's because love is a basic feeling which every human being in this world will experience. It could make you happy and hurt in the same time. We might feel happy only for a while but once hurt, it would be forever. The scar will stay. You couldn't keep it to yourself. You need someone out there to listen to you. That's why most of the people especially singers tend to write love songs and sing them to the world.

I wouldn't give a shit about what's the meaning behind all those songs before this. If I love it, I will listen to it and hum the music all day long without knowing what's the actual meaning of those songs. Literally, I enjoyed the music more than enjoying and understanding the lyrics. However, as time passed, I have changed. I tend to search for the meaning of lyrics on Google once I heard a song that I really like, most probably love songs nowadays.

I found a quote which describe my current situation so much. Here you go :) :

You (The Night of New Year Countdown)

Maybe it's a wrong decision to go for a new year countdown which was held at a place where... where... where both of you used to hang out. Yea, both of you... You and him...

You just wanted to have some fun in the last few hours in the year of 2015 but you never thought that those memories would come flooding back to your mind. That time, you already  knew that the year 2016 won't be another exciting year for you any more like any other of your past years. 2016 will only be a year full of bitter sweet (mostly bitter) memories from 2015.

The place was indeed very congested since everyone gathered there to celebrate the last few hours of 2015 with their loved ones(mostly couples) and looked joyful but you felt the other way around. You don't feel anything but extreme despair and sadness. You felt alone even though you are in a crowded place where thousands of people had gathered.

You saw the place where both of you had kissed. Deep inside, you had die a little. Your friends weren't with you. Maybe you would feel better with them around... Or maybe not..,, you thought. You watched the sky as hundreds of balloons were let go to the atmosphere. Let those balloons take away those negativity from 2015 to the sky and bring new hope to the year of 2016, they said.

You watched as colourful fireworks were shoot upon the sky to welcome the arrival of the year 2016 as well as to symbolize joy and happiness. Nevertheless, you didn't feel joyous or contented. You felt lonely and sad, Those were the only things you felt.

As you were walking home after the countdown, you saw a lot of couples were walking pass you. Each of the pair looked lovey dovey. One of them even kissed his girlfriend on the forehead like what he had done to you before. You started to broke down but you knew you had to hold your tears. You can't cry in the public. You needed to hold it. Sooner, you saw another couple passing by and the man hugged his girlfriend so lovingly. Your eyes started to water. Tears rolled down on your cheek. You could feel a stabbing pain in your heart, too. Your hands started to shake in your hoodie pocket.

You thought you were jealous or envied but you were not. Just that they reminded you of him.
It has been more than 3 months since the break up. Why couldn't you just let go of this relationship? Why? That moment when you thought you had get over him but when those memories came flashing back, you still couldn't resist the feeling you had for him. Why?! Why are you so stupid?! People say that time will heal, but you know it won't. You are not sure whether it's your patience running out or what, but times doesn't done much healing either.

You are suffocating deep inside. You are drowning slowly. Even when you are typing this, your eyes started to water! WHY?! WHY YOU ARE SO STUPID AND DUMB?! WHY?! LET GO! STOP BEING A SILLY IDIOTIC DUMB ASS! YOU ARE WORTHLESS! THAT'S WHY HE LEAVE YOU! WHY...? Why...? Do you really want to live your whole life holding on this old relationship and thinking he's the one? You have tried so hard to forget about him but you just can't. Those memories and most important of all... It's him...  You couldn't forget... just so easily.

You wiped your tears with your sleeve but another tear came rolling down... You have to be strong. You are all alone... You are the only one you yourself can rely on. There is no one out there will even care for you. You are all alone...

You (Forgotten Dream)

You dreamt of him again in the night of new year eve. In the dream, he was chatting happily with another girl in a canteen. You looked at him far away from the other side. They seems close to each other, you thought. Again , your heart was broken.

These few days, you seems to always dream about him and you always end up hurting yourself even more in each dream. You feel pain mentally and emotionally. Is it even your fault from the very beginning that you couldn't let go? You wonder.

After you woke up, you forgot most part of the dream. The dream seems to fade away from your memory. You are not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing that you forgot. As far as you remember, you never had forgotten any dreams. Maybe it's a good thing, though that you don't remember. Maybe your brain knows what is the best for you more than your heart, thus it erase the memory of the dream from your mind... For your own goodness sake.